EDIT: I wrote this post the night before I had to say goodbye to you and your sister. I was so scared and so worried. I thought that you would forget me, or worse, never forgive me for leaving you. I know that is dramatic and also, after yesterday mornings skype call, utterly ridiculous. I know you won’t forget. On skype you didn’t want to say goodbye because you were ‘still chatting’ and so we didn’t. You told me about your friends and your new cousin and your baby sister and your dinosaur rex. You kissed the phone and hugged it and managed to make us melt even though we are thousands of miles apart.
This is going to be hard to write. It is not going to be as hard as reversing out of your driveway waving goodbye and knowing that I won’t get to hold you or kiss you or feel your sweet breath as you whisper something silly too close to my face for more than a year. It is hard. Acknowledging that it is hard is important.
But we can do hard things.
I have been repeating this mantra to myself for the past few months. It is something that you know too, it is ingrained in you. You are strong and intelligent and beautiful and funny. I am writing these things to you here because you don’t let me tell them to your face. You say ‘no, no no E-oh, I a girl.’ Yes, you are right, you are a girl but you are also so much more. You are sunshine and light. You antagonise and you tease, you laugh and you stamp your feet in anger while exclaiming ‘I stamping my foot mummy.’ How could anyone ever remain cross with someone who speaks so sweetly.
I will miss you more than I can imagine. It hurts my heart to think about not seeing you. I am terrified you will forget me. That we’ll come home and have fallen in your esteem. That our presence will not phase you. That we won’t illicit the shouts and giggles and stories and games and kisses that it does now. I know in my heart that you won’t but still I am scared. It is so hard to feel all these things on top of the undying love I feel for you. But we can do hard things.
I don’t honestly know how parents can feel about their children if this is how I feel about you. I sometimes worry how could I ever love my own babies like I love you. But then I look to your sister and my niece and I realise I have been foolish. Of course I can. There is not a finite amount of love dealt out. It is really quite astounding.
Know this, I will always love you. It’s simple and it’s true. The best things are.